Tanner Allen Kotlarz

M

MOMMY Lumberton, TX April 11, 2012

Its Mommy again just wanted to tell you i'm thinking of you today & everyday!! Until I see you again Smiles & Hugs!!! I cant wait till I get to see your smiling face, I dream of that day all the time!! Its just not the same without your laughter & Smile!! I love you all the way to HEAVEN & BACK Infinity Times Love you Mommy & Brother

M

Mommy Lumberton, TX March 31, 2012

Mommy hasn't written to you in awhile, but that doesn't mean that theirs not 1 day that goes by that i'm not thinking of you!! Every little thing that happens I think of you, & what it would be like if you were here & How happy we would ALL be. I know your in a better place & we will soon be reunited!! I wish you were here so bad, to play with your brother & I, we have a big yard now & I can just picture yall driving momma crazy wanted to get in to everything, but I would love it!! My biggest fear was that he wouldn't remember you, but I Will always let him know that he has a brother & he will get to play with him again 1day, we will just have to be patient! He's always wanting someone to play with, since we've moved & Me knowing YOU should be there, his baby brother (T&T) Triston & Tanner!! He loves you so much & says when he gets to Heaven hes gonna give you a great big hug 1st!! Even though I want to, we'll just have to see lol :-) but I know what better place could you be in, Cant wait till I can see what heaven is like!! HEAVEN IS FOR REAL is a GREAT book it really has helped mommy to understand where your @ & what its like!! Brother is getting so big hes in 2ND grade almost 3rd making all A's & B's, But I know you know all this already bc you are here in spirit, I feel you sometimes its really weird but I do & I know you know these things. He has had a hard year He lost his daddy & I know hes up their with you, Even though you had never meet him He loved you BC you were apart of Mommy! Just know we love you oh so much & I cant wait till I get to see that smile & Smell your smell, I Miss it! Its like a piece of my heart is GONE! Until, I get to hold you again I WILL NEVER FEEL COMPLETE, its hard to explain!! Your Aunt Nae Nae is pregnant & mommy doesn't want to be apart of it, its not bc I'm not happy for her, its just that it hurts too bad for mommy, maybe mommy can work on that & be happy & look @ it differently & we could celebrate this new life that is coming into our family I just know I will never want to put him down, YES HE IS A BOY! Ive been up since 2am this morning, I dont know why, but your brother stayed the night with Mrs. Chole lastnight & when hes away I feel bad like I want him here, so hes safe, I know hes safe their but no place is safer than mommy's arms! Your MiMi just called she misses you too, she doesnt talk about it allot but I know she does She wnts brother to go to your cousins baseball game, he loves them very much!! Some days I cant look @ Your pictures & some days that's all I want to do, but it makes brother upset to see me upset so I try & do it when hes @ school, Everyone just says STAY STRONG I try, But deep down I just want you BACK so bad, they don't get it. I cant cry anymore because I'm all cried out, I have cried for 5 years & They just wont come anymore I don't know what that means.... Everytime I see a butterfly I think of you, EVERYTIME I feel the wind I think of you, Everytime I look up @ the sky I think of you, Everytime I look @ A baby I think of you, I could go on all day but I don't know what to do but put 1 foot in front of the other & just go on, Not meaning I'm leaving you behind, just meaning I have to for your Brother & I Because I KNOW you wouldn't want us to be sad!! Well the sun is starting to shine so I'm gonna get busy, I needa clean house, I just wish so bad I could talk to you, everytime I watch your brother get on the bus I think of you tagging along right beside him or running behind him BC hes really fast & I bet you'd be fast too!! GOD I hate having to write on here, but In some weird way it helps mommy!! I've talked to allot of SIDS parents & Gosh I didn't know how common this is & that it wasn't my fault BC I always blamed myself, even though I KNOW I did nothing WRONG... They understand mommy When no1 else does. I LOVE YOU TO HEAVEN & BACK ENFINTITY times Brother & I say that. Then we blow kisses & Catch them & Put them in our heart, Just knowing that you are not here, makes me numb! I know nothing can ever hurt me this much, kinda make me feel special bc I KNOW YOU WERE a gift, & How many ppl can say they had GOD show them so many miricles, Mommy can!! & I just want to let the world know!! I hate it when ppl come to mommy with their problems bc I just want to tell them They have no idea what a gift they have just to hold their baby!! So why do they complain, just makes mommy upset BC If they knew hold this felt, but I wouldn't want them to ever know, but if they did, they would take ever little second & Cherish it FOREVER!!! I WILL CHERISH YOUR MEMORY FOREVER & looking forward to seeing you again I don't know if you'll be big or still a baby, I've heard different things so I really don't know for sure, I don't care as long as we get to ALL be together & be happy!!

M

Mommy Lumberton, TX June 28, 2011

Happy Late 5th Birthday!! Mommy & Brother miss you so much!! Bubba just woke up so I have to fix him something to eat, I love you little man!!
Your Mommy

M

Mary Jane Hollyfield Lumberton, TX September 22, 2010

Brandie:
I was reading Anthony Gill's guestbook and your message prompted me to view your son, Tanner's obituary. I'm very sorry for your loss but I'm not one of those people who say I can't imagine how you feel, because I certainly do. Upon reading all your entries, the one you wrote on March, 24, 2007 is almost my exact feelings from the loss of my daughter, Kassie Lee and unborn granddaughter, Zoey. I didn't realize until that entry that anyone could possibly understand the enormous pain I've been feeling for three and a half years now. Its still so unreal, its like it hasn't even sank in yet. Acceptance has been the hardest thing for me. I had Kassie for twenty years and we were very close especially the last six months. There have been hundreds of times I would be crying (still do) while saying "I just want my baby girl back". Its definetly the worst pain in the world to bury your child and similar to your saying I say "I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy". The preacher who done Kassie and Zoey's funeral tried to give us comfort by saying God wants beautiful girls in heaven too but to this day that question of "why" haunts me constantly. I too have another child, Kerri who has given me a wonderful grand daughter Elizabeth, if it wasn't for them I don't know what I'd do. But, still I have found nothing to plug the huge hole in my heart. Please let me know if you have any suggestions on coping with the loss. As I said, your message to your son made me realize there are people who can relate and if possible maybe we need to help each other. I apologize for the length of this but you know I could go on and on about the pain and suffering. You can write me back on my regular email or Kassie's guestbook.
Sincerely,
MJ

K

Krystle Perkins Houston, TX August 6, 2010

Brandie,
I cannot begin to imagine your pain. I wish I could have met your precious little Angel, and been there for you during this unimaginable time. My thoughts, prayers and heart are with you always. May the Lord wrap his arms around you, and help to ease your pain. Take comfort in knowing he is your special Angel, watching over you and his brother, patiently waiting until you are all together again. I love you, and I am here for you always.

R

Rachelle [Dumpy] Bradley Vidor, TX July 3, 2009

Brandie,
I can understand your grievance. When Kourtney passed,[ born 02/09/1989, and passed on 12/06/1993- she was going to be 4 2 mths away] I thought I could not go on, but I prayed for me to try and go on due to me also having Cody at the time, so I know the feelings are very hard to deal w/. Your a GREAT mother, and in time the pain gets easier to deal w/ , but the pain will forever be there, you have done great, and keep Faith in God that he is in a better place. I wish I could of seen him, but I know you are a Great Mom, so hold your head up, and keep doing what your doing for Tristan. I am so glad that your doing better,
Call me anytime you need to talk to someone who has been there

B

Brandie TX November 27, 2008

Thanks Everyone for the prayers & support!! I really appreciate everyone's heart felt talks & letters! It has almost been 2 years since my angel went to Heaven! Time has helped a little, but no words can decribe the pain of loosing a child. I know he was sent to me for a reason! He fulfilled his purpose here, but he is in Heaven fulfilling his angel duties!! Thanks again for everyones SUPPORT!!!! GoD bLeSs EVERYONE!!!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

S

Sarah, RN TX May 27, 2008

Brandy, I met you months ago when Tanner's big brother was hospitalized at Baptist Hospital.. I was his nurse and we bonded as mothers.. and it touched me. I looked at Tanner's pictures then but did not sign the guestbook at that time. You all have been on my mind off and on since then. I have to say thank you for sharing so much with me. You have beautiful sons, both.. and I say that in the present tense because I know you will all be together again someday. All my prayers to you... take care.

S

Stacy TX February 29, 2008

Brandie..I met you today and you shared your story with me...thank you for doing that...we get so busy in life that we forget how lucky we are and what blessings God has given us..just like I believe God had plans for us to meet today..please take care and know that you and Tanner will be together again...you will be in my prayers Stacy

M

Mommy Silsbee, TX December 23, 2007

**Mommy misses you so much everyday, exspecially @ this time Christmas, I feel like I should be opening christmas presents with you & Bubba!! Christmas morning! But I know you are happy in heaven smiling :) down on us But **WE ALL MISS YOU!!** We will be thinking of you exspecially christmas!! We LOVE you so much my Little angel!! We Love you, Mommy, Big Brother & Christopher

B

Brandie Silsbee, TX June 14, 2007

It's almost your Birthday!! My sweet baby!! You would be "1" I love & * Miss you so much!! *DADDY & BUBBA TOO!!! I LOVE you so much Miss you more each day, I was wanting to say Happy Birthday Early. Mommy Will see you soon!! *** Mommies computer is messed up @ home, so I write you @ at Aunt Kady's I LOVE YOU, Mommy, Daddy & Bubba

M

Momma Silsbee, TX March 24, 2007

Tanner, Mommy LOVES you so much. I miss you more & more each day!! Your personality & BRIGHT SMILE the most. The ones that knew you know what I.m talking about!! Mostly, The way you layed on mommies heart!! Your smile lightened up a room. You are the happiest baby, that I have ever met (not just because you were mine) You were REALLY SPECIAL. You beat all the ODDS!! I have been a mess without you. I'm waiting for you to KICK my ribs each morning & wake me up from this horrific nightmare, It's so UN-REAL) I still can't excecpt the fact that my baby boy, who , could make it through ANYTHING!! We did it all togather your were my reason for waking up each morning. You & your bubba . you BOYS, were (Are ) my whole life. NOW, im compleatly LOST) This is a pain I would never wish on anyone. I heard about things that happpen like this. But, you NEVER think (if you do everything you think you can possibibly do, right as a mother for your children.) That something this tragic would happen. FOR NO APARENT REASON!! IT'S CRAZY Then BAM, your jerked away from me, so suddenly. A peice of mommy died that stormy night, with you. I will definitly never forget your smile it's stamped in my heart!! Forever. I know God only gives his children to us on loan. We do not know what could happen in the blink of an eye. I never thought , (ME) Brandie would be preparing funeral arangments by my self. For my beautiful baby boy, (who, I was just a couple of hours ago playing with you)Thats ANY mothers worst NIGHTMARE!! But I know your a Beautiful Angel, I know you would want mommy to pick up all the shattered dreams of you & your brother growing up together, (GONE, fighting over girls. Going to prom. And having that brotherly bond only silbling know about!! It's a bond thats never broken) And, do it as best I can, but Tanner you brought Mommy so much Joy!! You & I went through so much together, we almost died together. Mommy knew you could DO ANYTHING!! You were so strong!! Your personality, for your age, was incritiable. You have made mommy the happiest person to know you & to know that I really gave birth to an Angel. Tanner you will always be in mommies heart forever. Look down on us from time to time. Bubba talks to you daily. I would move mountions just to be able to hold you in my arms one more time. But, like, they say , "If you wanna Hear God laught, tell him your plans" I had your whole life planed out. From Your first day at kindergarden (mommy balling), till when you started your own family & how CRAZY Your brother, & you were gonna drive me. I wish I could have my life back. I KNOW your safe now. Tell my Grandma I said, I love her!!" (Both of them!!) EVERYONE, misses you so much. But, NO-One feels the pain I feel. Its empty. But I know I MUST go own for brothers sake. I just wanna crawl in a hole. But I have to face it, that your really not here. Mommy will see you there in heaven. I just think of it as if your on a long Great vacation in heaven. Untill Mommy see's you again Always remember your were always, MY MIRACLE!! You were Mommies "LiL" ANGEL!! Even on Earth!! Everyone knew That!! :) **FOREVER, MILLIONS OF KISSES (I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR SWEET LAUGH, I WILL NEVER FORGET IT) *MILLIONS OF HUGS & BUTTERFLY KISSES** **Your one in a Million** Thank You GOD, for blessing me , with such a special angel!! In his short time on this cruel earth, he showed me, what really matters in your life. Live it to the fullest, you never know when, You'll be called HOME!! I'll never forget our sacred time together on this earth!! Baby Boy: I Love you More than you will ever imagine. You are at a plce we must stive to get to. I always knew you were special!! **GOD MUST NEEDED A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL, I'M GLAD I GOT THOSE 6 PRESIOUS MONTHS TOGETHER!! I MET & FEEL IN LOVE WITH A REAL ANGEL, SENT FROM GOD!! HE COULD OF TOOK YOU AT BIRTH) But, I asked god just to let me know you, you were gone! I just wanted to know the little person who was fighing so hard to get to me!! God answered that prayer, you came back to me. I am very grateful, for our time. I'll see you again, in a better place, mommy promises!! TANNER ALLEN KOTLARZ: Beloved Son, Grandson, brother,cousin, and Angel!!! You will be Greatly missed, by all the lives you touched. Even though you couldn't speak, your smile, SAID IT ALL!!!

C

Candice Biddle Silsbee, TX March 8, 2007

Jason sorry to hear about your baby. Brian and my prayers are with you and your family

L

LAKISHA SILSBEE, TX January 6, 2007

I AM SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THIS BRANDY.SORRY I DIDNT MAKE IT TO THE FUNERAL.MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.IF YOU NEED ANYTHING YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE.LOVE YA, LAKISHA AND FAMILY

T

Terri Williams (Cuz) Cumming, GA January 1, 2007

Hey Brandy, I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I can't imagine how much pain you are feeling. Please know that I am thinking about you and if I was down there I would be there. I wish I could have met Tanner. Hopefully in the future you can send me some pictures. Please pray to Jehovah for strength. He can help you and he wants to. I will pray to him for you and your family too. I love you, Terri

D

Doylene and Charles Peterson East Ellijay, GA January 1, 2007

Brandy and family, just want to let you know how sorry we were to here the sad news. We want you to know that we love you and wish we were closer to be there at such a tragic time. Thankfully we know there is a hope for ones we lose in death, and although at this it may not comfort you, maybe in time it will. We love you and our prayers are with you. Love Aunt Doylene and Charlie

Condolences (16)